Rantings

"Just who am I and what makes me truly happy?"

This thought came through my head the other day, and I was at a loss to really answer it. That kinda scared me. In a matter of months I will of been on this earth for thirty years. That's three decades and I still wasn't sure who I was?
I think I lost a big part of myself, in my marriage and I don't know how to find it again. I let my marriage define everything that I was and I completely lost who I was in it. So when I lost it, I felt like I lost everything, I lost me.
I have noticed I hum tunes for no reason again. Something I hadn't done in years and had completely forgot I did when I was happy. That is something I found and got back. But what do I want to do the rest of my life? I know the basics, like, I still want the joy of having babies, and to be happily married. Though the thought of being married does scare me. I am more hesitant then ever with marriage now. Even seeing friends and family marry, outwardly I am happy for them. Inside I am cringing for them, wondering when 'he' will leave 'them'. I hate admitting that, it's a horrible thing to think. But after all I have been through and all of the promises that were broken to me, that is the kind of crazy thoughts that run through my head. I need to change that way of thinking, but I just don't know how.
I feel like I have to start my entire life over from scratch. I need a career, but in what? I don't even know what I like anymore. I need a home of my own, but the thought of doing that right now is just overwhelming, with a big lack of money and my car in disrepair. I find myself getting more depressed and I feel stuck and though I am surrounded by loving family. I feel completely isolated. No one close to me knows what I am going through. No one really knows the entire story of what I had gone through. I put on a happy face, but inside I feel shattered. Broken in so many pieces I don't know if I even know how to put myself back together. I don't think I have ever felt so lost in my life.
This divorce still isn't over and I want it to be. But I am at a loss to find the courage to just go get the papers. In this state you have to wait a year anyways. And in that year that I was waiting...I felt like I was able to move past things, move past the anger and some of the hurt. And now it just feels like it is being brought all back up again with the impending thoughts that I have to go face this all head on again. I have to face this all over again, just to have it over and done with.
Then that idiotic question...why me? Keeps coming back up. Why did I have to go through this? What did I do that was so wrong to deserve this? I feel like I haven't a single answer for anything. I don't even trust my own judgement anymore. Yes I left a horrible situation, but what is it that I do now? Yes, I 'start my life over'...but how? That is something I am gonna have to answer myself, in baby steps...right now I feel like I am just wondering around until I stumble upon it, no real direction ...and lost without a map.

Friday Fill-Ins 30

I know I haven't done one of these in awhile, time for another Friday Fill-Ins:

1. So many of us don't stop to see what wonder there is, in all the little things.

2. It's important to still be able to laugh, even in hardship.

3. Those who are accepting of others, first have to accept themselves.

4. She is waiting quietly.

5. Light is in both the beginning and the end.

6. The best of all that is ordinary.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to watchin' me some Indiana Jones, tomorrow my plans include not much of anything, just trying to destress and Sunday, I want to hopefully watch the Jets lose! Though I don't want the Steelers to win either, that's a pickle!

Someones In The Kitchen...

Some of you have heard some of the rumors going around about my cooking. I've really been into trying new recipes and all sorts of different foods for the past few months. Having willing guinea pigs has helped boost my confidence in the kitchen. As well as trying to introduce my taste buds to some new things. One awesome lil' helper is allrecipes.com. Whenever I wanna try something new I simply search on there, and with all the emails they send me about new recipes, I am never at a loss for something new to cook. The fact that I can go through my emails and pick and choose what I think might be good and add them to my online recipe box is simply fantastic! Full of comments and helpful tidbits of information from other kitchen do-gooders really helps too. I am simply in love with that site.

I also recently acquired, thanks to Aunt Karen (aka Santa), the new 'Best New England Recipes' Book from Yankee Magazine. Full of 150+ recipes, its the 75th anniversary collection of the best New England recipes...already having tried two recipes so far, I can't wait to try more! The meatloaf and yankee pot roast recipes were delish! It has everything from breakfast to desserts. After 'borrowing' Beepa's original copy, it was decided I needed my own copy, hehe, leaving me to finally return Beepa's back to her. ☺

I started such a collection of printed out recipes that I now have an entire 3 ring binder full of great go-to recipes. I am willing to try most anything now. I have conquered over bread too, which I was mighty proud of, since yeast used to intimidate me.

The real challenge has been making most everything I make lactose and gluten-free. Though I have surprisingly had little trouble with it. Just trying to watch what goes in, and substituting soy milk and gluten-free flour whenever possible.

Cooking and baking has, for one reason or another, become much more fun for me. Not to mention its just healthier, less sodium and preservatives and all that jazz. I can't wait to taste what I get to cook next. ☺

Puppy Love

Last week my Aunt Karen and Uncle Connie stopped in for a quick visit while en route to Florida. They brought along their new little bundle of joy...a lil' Yorkie puppy, named CJ. Cutest little thing you've ever seen.☺ Everyone had to check him out....

...Toby didn't quite know what to do with him...CJ was following him everywhere...


Had alot of fun with everyone. Can't wait 'til they all visit us again! ♥