Rantings

"Just who am I and what makes me truly happy?"

This thought came through my head the other day, and I was at a loss to really answer it. That kinda scared me. In a matter of months I will of been on this earth for thirty years. That's three decades and I still wasn't sure who I was?
I think I lost a big part of myself, in my marriage and I don't know how to find it again. I let my marriage define everything that I was and I completely lost who I was in it. So when I lost it, I felt like I lost everything, I lost me.
I have noticed I hum tunes for no reason again. Something I hadn't done in years and had completely forgot I did when I was happy. That is something I found and got back. But what do I want to do the rest of my life? I know the basics, like, I still want the joy of having babies, and to be happily married. Though the thought of being married does scare me. I am more hesitant then ever with marriage now. Even seeing friends and family marry, outwardly I am happy for them. Inside I am cringing for them, wondering when 'he' will leave 'them'. I hate admitting that, it's a horrible thing to think. But after all I have been through and all of the promises that were broken to me, that is the kind of crazy thoughts that run through my head. I need to change that way of thinking, but I just don't know how.
I feel like I have to start my entire life over from scratch. I need a career, but in what? I don't even know what I like anymore. I need a home of my own, but the thought of doing that right now is just overwhelming, with a big lack of money and my car in disrepair. I find myself getting more depressed and I feel stuck and though I am surrounded by loving family. I feel completely isolated. No one close to me knows what I am going through. No one really knows the entire story of what I had gone through. I put on a happy face, but inside I feel shattered. Broken in so many pieces I don't know if I even know how to put myself back together. I don't think I have ever felt so lost in my life.
This divorce still isn't over and I want it to be. But I am at a loss to find the courage to just go get the papers. In this state you have to wait a year anyways. And in that year that I was waiting...I felt like I was able to move past things, move past the anger and some of the hurt. And now it just feels like it is being brought all back up again with the impending thoughts that I have to go face this all head on again. I have to face this all over again, just to have it over and done with.
Then that idiotic question...why me? Keeps coming back up. Why did I have to go through this? What did I do that was so wrong to deserve this? I feel like I haven't a single answer for anything. I don't even trust my own judgement anymore. Yes I left a horrible situation, but what is it that I do now? Yes, I 'start my life over'...but how? That is something I am gonna have to answer myself, in baby steps...right now I feel like I am just wondering around until I stumble upon it, no real direction ...and lost without a map.