Quote

start. living. it.

Agreed!

"People walk around with a tremendous misconception of what it means to be single. Singleness, in its basic definition, means to be separate, unique, and whole. To be single means you are separate from everyone else, and you are unique in yourself-which means you recognize there's no one like you, and you have worth within yourself. To be single also means you are whole; you don't depend on other people to make you somebody. " ~Dr. Myles Munroe

Sad Epiphany

Tonight I finally came to a realization...I have heard it talked about, I have heard it on TV. I am not naive to it, but I thought it was always someone elses problem, someone elses title, not mine. I don't tell people, I don't like calling myself a victim. For so many years I stayed in my marriage trying to make it work and never called it what it really was.

I am a victim of domestic abuse.

I interact with others and see how they interact with each other and I read my fictional books and watch movies. I find myself getting anxious if anyone raises a voice. I get scared for "her" (real or fictional) that contradict what any man in a conversation is saying. I fear she will be yelled at or it will start a huge argument, that she will be met with what I had to meet on occasion. She will be met with resistance, and each time I find myself a lil' shocked and bewildered when the reaction is calm, even over the simplest things. When she isn't met with an argument, anger, raised voice, or worse, I am almost confused. Tonight it finally hit me why. Every time I disagreed or brought something up that "he" did not want to talk about, I met an angry monster with no conscience who had little or no control when he was angry. I wasn't met with calm or understanding. I sadly came to expect the anger and the arguments. I still am surprised when I don't see it. I lay in wait, waiting for it to bubble up. When it doesn't, I still hold on to anxiety that it will rear its ugly head, it will just come back at me later. I had learned to hold my tongue, unless I was ready for a fight.

I shouldn't of done that, I shouldn't of stayed for as long as I did. But I didn't see it, not until I left and stepped so far back there was no other way I could of missed it! I had to stay until I had no more "what if's", which I did. I left knowing then and there, there would be no going back. I do feel lucky for at least having enough sense to get out when I finally did.

I have to unlearn what I have learned. I never even realized I learned it. I should not be shocked to not be yelled at or met with anger when I disagree or simply talk. I have spent the last two years now, trying to put myself together. I didn't realize the extent of things...the shame, the mourning and grief were just some of the things I had to go through. I didn't think I would have to unlearn anything.

Divorce...

...it's isolating, painful, strengthening, mournful, alienating, freeing, bizarre, shameful, mind-controlling, heartbreaking, defeating, victimizing, selfishness, shattering, angering, frustrating, jealousy, panicky, numbing, scary, brave, listless, relieving, humbling, confusing, bitter-sweet...divorce is life changing.

Little Inspirations

"Forgiveness is not the misguided act of condoning irresponsible, hurtful behavior. Nor is it a superficial turning of the other cheek that leaves us feeling victimized and martyred. Rather it is the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

-Joan Borysenko

"I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable ... but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing."

-Agatha Christie

☺ Mixed Emotions ☻

Today was the day, today was court day! Today brought to an end something that started over two years ago when I left my home and my husband for good. Today is the end of a long road of court papers and procedures and alot of waiting. Today I woke up half terrified with overwhelming bouts of anxiety and panic thinking about having to go to court.

Arriving at court on time left us (me and my super supporters!) waiting another half hour to start. Then calendar calls (basically attendance roll calling and seeing if you are ready) Somehow I ended up in the middle of the mix of lawyers. Then after twenty or so minutes of that, I was all of a sudden called! I was the first person. I was shocked, I wanted to see someone else before me so I could know to do all the right stuff. It was kind of a blessing, it left me little time to think...thinking leaves me too much time to make myself even more nervous.

I had to go up to the prosecutors table (microphones everywhere, super intimidating!) all by myself, then was swiftly brought up to the witness stand. I was sworn in, and asked to present my evidence. I pulled out my pre-filled in testimony paper and just talked into the microphone as I read from my little paper. I could hear the fear quivering in my voice. When I was finished, the judge asked for my paperwork and asked me to step down. Back to my little table I went. Did I mention the court room was filled with people from all the cases that day?!

I was hoping and praying that the judge was signing my stuff and got confirmation when he said, "You got your divorce Ms. M...." I received my paperwork from the bailiff and was not even out of the court room before I burst into tears. Tears of happiness, sadness, grief and so much relief. It was over! Just like that, what I have been waiting for, for so long now, was over! I could start my life again! No more Mrs. A...my whole ordeal was over. I feel free again, with so much weight lifted off my shoulders.

A HUGE thank you to all those that have been behind me through all this, I could not have done this alone. Needed all that love and support to help get me here! ♥

Mini Meltdown

I have heard about "how strong I am" for leaving a certain situation. Hearing that just makes me feel like a fraud. I may give off the facade of being brave, it's really just a brave face. It's a mask, because shortly after I am the one crying behind closed doors. All so that no one knows how I am really coping. I do the best that I can, but sometimes I feel like it's not good enough. I feel my role as the eldest, as the example, as the "role model" was botched.

I am about to turn 30 very soon, too soon. I am not dealing with that very well at all. This is not where I wanted to be in my life when I hit that milestone. I keep trying to tell myself this is the point, this is when things will really turn around and I can gain my life back. The way I wanted it. I am thankful for all that I do have, don't think me wrong on that point. But there are just days when all that has happened overwhelms and envelopes me...thankfully they are less frequent. Most days I am okay, others I just fake it 'til I am okay. I can't wait until such a time comes, and they are just ghosts of my past.

Today

♥ ♥ ♥

Couldn't Of Said It Better Myself

Now I hardly watch TV. But we have been dvr'ing the new series on OWN, "Why Not? with Shania Twain". My family and I have always been huge fans of her. Watching this reality show, and watching her try to figure out and heal from her divorce, it has actually helped me alot!!
And she could not of put how I feel lately any better ☺

♥ ♥ ♥

Step 4...

Today I took another huge step. I gathered up all I had in me, and I finally filed for divorce. This is only the first step in what will be a long process, and there were lots of bumps to get to this road. But I finally started walking down that path and can't wait to start running down it!
I feel relieved and I also feel sad. I knew this was coming, it had to be done, and I wanted it done. But that sense of finalization comes rearing its ugly head. The unwanted emotions from before come back and settle in. That sense of failure comes back and the knowledge that I will no longer be a Mrs., but I will be known as a Ms. I don't get to go back to Miss. I feel like there will be a 'scarlet letter' before my name. I feel marked.
I just have to constantly remind myself...though he may get to continue to be a Mr. and no one is the wiser. He won't be 'marked' for what he did (though I think it should be tattooed on his forehead). I will try and remember that I earned my 'mark', I earned Ms.
I just hope the rest of this process is quick and painless.

Epiphany

I finally came to the realization...I married an angry monster with no conscience.
Words I never thought I would even mutter...and I can't fix that mistake soon enough.

Step 3...

Step #3...I took another (baby) step just this last week. I finally got the guts to call legal aid and start the process for the divorce. In this state I had to wait 1 year and 1 day before I was even legally allowed to file for a divorce. Well I bypassed that amount of time by a few months.
I felt like I was finally able to move forward from alot of the past. Dealing with the divorce itself now was just bringing back everything that I had spent so much time moving on from. But I finally realized I am just delaying the inevitable. More time won't make it better at this point. So I bit the bullet and now I am just waiting for a lawyer to call me back to answer some questions I need answered. Then hopefully it's just a matter of alot of paper shuffling.
Another reason I didn't want to deal with this, is it has made me feel completely isolated. I have no one to ask advice, I have no one close to me that really knows what I am going through or how to get through it unscathed. I hope it's all done and over with as quickly as possible. Putting that last bit of closer I really need into place.

Step 2...

Step #2...After I don't even know how long, with some help (thank you SO much!) I was able to FINALLY get my car fixed!!! Even if I just have it for a little while (still needs a lil fixin') it's an unbelievable feeling to know I have a sense of freedom back! Yippee!! ♥

Step 1...

Step #1...A happier me! What would really make me happy that I can immediately work on? Feeling better about being me....So this week, in four days I managed to use the elliptical/bike and sweated out 30+ miles! Gonna try and keep this up 5 days a week...giving my already angry knee two days rest on the weekends. ☺

Rantings

"Just who am I and what makes me truly happy?"

This thought came through my head the other day, and I was at a loss to really answer it. That kinda scared me. In a matter of months I will of been on this earth for thirty years. That's three decades and I still wasn't sure who I was?
I think I lost a big part of myself, in my marriage and I don't know how to find it again. I let my marriage define everything that I was and I completely lost who I was in it. So when I lost it, I felt like I lost everything, I lost me.
I have noticed I hum tunes for no reason again. Something I hadn't done in years and had completely forgot I did when I was happy. That is something I found and got back. But what do I want to do the rest of my life? I know the basics, like, I still want the joy of having babies, and to be happily married. Though the thought of being married does scare me. I am more hesitant then ever with marriage now. Even seeing friends and family marry, outwardly I am happy for them. Inside I am cringing for them, wondering when 'he' will leave 'them'. I hate admitting that, it's a horrible thing to think. But after all I have been through and all of the promises that were broken to me, that is the kind of crazy thoughts that run through my head. I need to change that way of thinking, but I just don't know how.
I feel like I have to start my entire life over from scratch. I need a career, but in what? I don't even know what I like anymore. I need a home of my own, but the thought of doing that right now is just overwhelming, with a big lack of money and my car in disrepair. I find myself getting more depressed and I feel stuck and though I am surrounded by loving family. I feel completely isolated. No one close to me knows what I am going through. No one really knows the entire story of what I had gone through. I put on a happy face, but inside I feel shattered. Broken in so many pieces I don't know if I even know how to put myself back together. I don't think I have ever felt so lost in my life.
This divorce still isn't over and I want it to be. But I am at a loss to find the courage to just go get the papers. In this state you have to wait a year anyways. And in that year that I was waiting...I felt like I was able to move past things, move past the anger and some of the hurt. And now it just feels like it is being brought all back up again with the impending thoughts that I have to go face this all head on again. I have to face this all over again, just to have it over and done with.
Then that idiotic question...why me? Keeps coming back up. Why did I have to go through this? What did I do that was so wrong to deserve this? I feel like I haven't a single answer for anything. I don't even trust my own judgement anymore. Yes I left a horrible situation, but what is it that I do now? Yes, I 'start my life over'...but how? That is something I am gonna have to answer myself, in baby steps...right now I feel like I am just wondering around until I stumble upon it, no real direction ...and lost without a map.

Rantings

Ok, I try not to be too negative on here. Or too negative in general, but lately that's becoming alot harder. With all the stress of all this stuff piling up on me, sometimes I feel like I am about to break. Holding my life together seems more and more difficult for me, and just when I can't handle anymore something else lands. Divorce is one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through besides the passing of family or a friend. It's a monster all of its own that I have to battle, be happy with, while I'm still angry at it, and mourn. The mix of emotions can be overwhelming. Grieving the loss of something I thought I would have forever is draining. Like I've said many times before, my family has been amazing. Putting myself back together hasn't been easy and I am not nearly finished, I know that. I also know for sure this is something I need to do, there is no turning back. I hope, sometime soon, I can look back on all this and think it was all worth it. I will end up where I need to be, it's just living through this until I get there that is the hard part. I have a new sense of sympathy for anyone that has gone through a divorce. It does grind and shape you until you are made stronger or crumble away, and I refuse to crumble.

Life Doesn't Always Seem Fair

I don't really know if anyone will read this. I write this more to get things off my chest. Some already know what I am about to say. Two weeks ago today, I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Mike and I separated and I packed up everything I hold dear and moved out of my home. Things were not working anymore, and events happened that can't be taken back. I just hit a point when I asked myself "Why am I putting myself through this? Why am I staying?" The only answer I could give myself was that 'this' wasn't healthy, and I need to get out of here. I am not here to bash, or point any fingers. Everything that happened isn't for everyone to know.
I know it sounds stupid, but I feel like a failure. Sometimes life isn't fair, and I feel like right now I got screwed. This wasn't suppose to happen, not to me. Course, that's what most people think when something bad happens isn't it. I just try and get through each day, and remind myself I have to breathe. I try and put myself back together piece by piece and tell myself I can get through this. I am lucky enough to have wonderful family and friends. It sometimes takes bad things in life to remind you how many people love and care about you.
I don't really know what will happen from here. I still feel like I am wondering around lost most of the time. I just hope to end up somewhere good, happy, and safe in the end.