Dogs vs Cats Funny

*click* the picture below to make it bigger...

Got a kick out of this ☺

Southern Funny 20

What's the difference between a Yankee Zoo and a Southern Zoo?

On the cage, a Yankee Zoo will have the name of the animal and then the scientific name in Latin.

Whereas, a Southern Zoo will have the name of the animal and the recipe!

**ba dum dum ching**

Halloween Funny

10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween, But Aren’t…

1. So…What’d you get in the sack?

2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!

3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!

4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!

5. I got the best piece from that house.

6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!

7. Stick your hand in and guess what you’re feeling….

8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!

9. They’ll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.

10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn’t get my mouth around it!

HA HA HA

Southern Funny 19

The Southern Salesman

A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The guy says “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi”

Well, the boss liked the guy and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

“How many customers bought something from you today?

The guy says “One.”

The boss says “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”

The guy says “$121,237.65.”

The boss says “$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?”

The guy says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook.

Then I sold him medium fish hook.

Then I sold him a larger fish hook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, So I told him he was going to need a boat. So we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.

Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”

The guy said, “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, “Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should . . . . . . go fishing!!”

Ba-ha-ha! ☺

Southern Funny 18

Redneck Reading Test

Read the following: If you get it, then you read it correctly, and you are probably a redneck. If you don't get it, you didn't read it right... Which means you aren't a redneck... Ask me, and I'll explain it. (9 out of 10 probably won't get it...)

M R DUCKS

M R NOT

O S A R C M WANGS

L I B M R DUCKS

...haha, sadly, I got it ☺

Southern Funny 17

How do you know when you're staying in a southern hotel?

When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink."

and the person at the front desk says "go ahead".

bahaha ☺

Southern Funny 16

Bubba's 21st Birthday

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family
tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and
great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on
their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each
walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for
their first legal drink.

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his
pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake,
Bubba stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Jim
Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious
and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma, he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't
I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and
his father before him?

Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said,
'Because your father, your grandfather and your great
grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen,
and you were born in July, you dumbass'.

Southern Funny 15

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairy tale??

A. A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time…" and a southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh*t!"

Sears Catalog Order

Two rednecks were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring
the models. One says to the other, 'Have you seen the
beautiful girls in this here catalog?'

The second one replies, 'Yep, they are very beautiful,
and look at the price, ooowweee!!

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't
very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea
Jed'. Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in
the catalog, I'll get one too.'

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend,
'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears
catalog?'

The second redneck replies, 'No, but she shouldn't be long
now, cuz she mailed me all her underwear yesterday.'

Southern Funny 14

Maw Wants Paw To Fix Outhouse

Maw is outside hangin' up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."

Paw says, "All right, Maw." Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."

Paw says, "I ain't puttin' my head in that there hole!"

Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!"

So Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit, mind ya) and then hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."

Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! Ouch! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck in the wood cracks in the seat!"

Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"

hehehe ☺

St. Patrick's Day Funny

A man stumbles drunk into a bar. There's only one other patron.The first man asks the second man to buy him a drink. The second man says: "Of course!"

The first man asks the second man: "Where are you from?" The second man says: "I'm from Ireland [pronounced Oiland]." The first man says: "Blow me down! I'm from Ireland [Oiland] too! Let's drink another round, to Ireland." They drink.

The first man then says: "Where in Ireland are you from?" The second man says: "Dublin [Dooblin]". "I can't believe it!" says the first man. "I'm also from Dublin! Let's drink another round, to Dublin." They drink.

The first man then says: "What school did you go to?" The second man replies: "Saint Mary's. I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

One of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar. "What's been happening?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."



Paddy Counts His Rabbits
Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the Irish accountancy exam.
Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?

Paddy: Five.

Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Five.

Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?

Paddy: Four.

Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Five.

Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five? Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home!

Southern Funny 13

Alabama Medical Directory

Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What family do when kinfolk die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan...............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D and C...............Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fibula................A small lie.
Genital...............Non-Jewish person.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Pap Smear.............A fatherhood test.
Rectum................Darn near killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding something.
Seizure...............Roman emperor.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.

Funny

A Woman And Her Desires

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire.

With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam.

She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"

Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her! As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.

Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again. Don't cha just LOVE shopping for SHOES.

New Year's Funnies

*New Year's Day Prayer for One and All*

Dear Lord,

So far this year I've done well. I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen

*A New Year's Wish*

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Christmas Funny

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one Level Cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to Make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup...just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor...

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Gre ash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas!

Funny

Everything comes full circle, and this just brought a smile to my face:

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having sex.
At age 70 success is having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is having friends.
At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

Southern Funny 12

The North Vs The South

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names, The South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.

The North has green salads, The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.

The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt..

In the South: -- Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store.

*Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

*In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

God Bless !

Halloween Funny

Fixing the Headstone

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

**** **** ****

How to spot a Redneck on Halloween!

Q: How do you spot a red neck on Halloween?

A: He is wearing a Confederate uniform and gives the kids a bottle of Budweiser.

**** **** ****

Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Southern Funny 11

Two Southern Ladies Talk

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood, one from Georgia, the other from Alabama, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white pillared mansion.

The Georgia peach said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from Alabama commented. "Well, isn't that nice??"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac you see parked in the drive. "Again, the belle from Alabama commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"

The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet. Yet again, the second of the ladies commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Alabama belle.

"Charm school, the first woman cried, "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"

The Alabamian responded, "So that instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that nice?"

Southern Funny 10

Billy Bob Dies

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is a dollar per word.
She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a seven word minimum on all obituaries."
A little flustered, she thinks things over and replies, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale'."

Southern Funny 9

Boudreaux And Band-Aids

(that's pronounced BOO-dro, for y'all not familiar with Louisiana) Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.

He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?"

Boudreaux said, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"

"Well," Clotile said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your blood- shot eyes, but mostly...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.

HA HA HA