Step 4...

Today I took another huge step. I gathered up all I had in me, and I finally filed for divorce. This is only the first step in what will be a long process, and there were lots of bumps to get to this road. But I finally started walking down that path and can't wait to start running down it!
I feel relieved and I also feel sad. I knew this was coming, it had to be done, and I wanted it done. But that sense of finalization comes rearing its ugly head. The unwanted emotions from before come back and settle in. That sense of failure comes back and the knowledge that I will no longer be a Mrs., but I will be known as a Ms. I don't get to go back to Miss. I feel like there will be a 'scarlet letter' before my name. I feel marked.
I just have to constantly remind myself...though he may get to continue to be a Mr. and no one is the wiser. He won't be 'marked' for what he did (though I think it should be tattooed on his forehead). I will try and remember that I earned my 'mark', I earned Ms.
I just hope the rest of this process is quick and painless.

Step 3...

Step #3...I took another (baby) step just this last week. I finally got the guts to call legal aid and start the process for the divorce. In this state I had to wait 1 year and 1 day before I was even legally allowed to file for a divorce. Well I bypassed that amount of time by a few months.
I felt like I was finally able to move forward from alot of the past. Dealing with the divorce itself now was just bringing back everything that I had spent so much time moving on from. But I finally realized I am just delaying the inevitable. More time won't make it better at this point. So I bit the bullet and now I am just waiting for a lawyer to call me back to answer some questions I need answered. Then hopefully it's just a matter of alot of paper shuffling.
Another reason I didn't want to deal with this, is it has made me feel completely isolated. I have no one to ask advice, I have no one close to me that really knows what I am going through or how to get through it unscathed. I hope it's all done and over with as quickly as possible. Putting that last bit of closer I really need into place.

Step 2...

Step #2...After I don't even know how long, with some help (thank you SO much!) I was able to FINALLY get my car fixed!!! Even if I just have it for a little while (still needs a lil fixin') it's an unbelievable feeling to know I have a sense of freedom back! Yippee!! ♥

Step 1...

Step #1...A happier me! What would really make me happy that I can immediately work on? Feeling better about being me....So this week, in four days I managed to use the elliptical/bike and sweated out 30+ miles! Gonna try and keep this up 5 days a week...giving my already angry knee two days rest on the weekends. ☺