Tonight I finally came to a realization...I have heard it talked about, I have heard it on TV. I am not naive to it, but I thought it was always someone elses problem, someone elses title, not mine. I don't tell people, I don't like calling myself a victim. For so many years I stayed in my marriage trying to make it work and never called it what it really was.
I am a victim of domestic abuse.
I interact with others and see how they interact with each other and I read my fictional books and watch movies. I find myself getting anxious if anyone raises a voice. I get scared for "her" (real or fictional) that contradict what any man in a conversation is saying. I fear she will be yelled at or it will start a huge argument, that she will be met with what I had to meet on occasion. She will be met with resistance, and each time I find myself a lil' shocked and bewildered when the reaction is calm, even over the simplest things. When she isn't met with an argument, anger, raised voice, or worse, I am almost confused. Tonight it finally hit me why. Every time I disagreed or brought something up that "he" did not want to talk about, I met an angry monster with no conscience who had little or no control when he was angry. I wasn't met with calm or understanding. I sadly came to expect the anger and the arguments. I still am surprised when I don't see it. I lay in wait, waiting for it to bubble up. When it doesn't, I still hold on to anxiety that it will rear its ugly head, it will just come back at me later. I had learned to hold my tongue, unless I was ready for a fight.
I shouldn't of done that, I shouldn't of stayed for as long as I did. But I didn't see it, not until I left and stepped so far back there was no other way I could of missed it! I had to stay until I had no more "what if's", which I did. I left knowing then and there, there would be no going back. I do feel lucky for at least having enough sense to get out when I finally did.
I have to unlearn what I have learned. I never even realized I learned it. I should not be shocked to not be yelled at or met with anger when I disagree or simply talk. I have spent the last two years now, trying to put myself together. I didn't realize the extent of things...the shame, the mourning and grief were just some of the things I had to go through. I didn't think I would have to unlearn anything.
